“What if I drop my baby?”
“What if I hurt them?”
“What if I suddenly lose control?”
If you’ve had thoughts like these since becoming a mother, you may have felt shocked, frightened or even ashamed. You might have wondered what these thoughts say about you – or whether having them means you are a bad mother.
You’re not alone.
Intrusive thoughts after having a baby
Dr Caroline Boyd’s research into infant-related harm thoughts offers an important perspective for mothers who experience these frightening thoughts, images or urges.
Her qualitative research explored the experiences of eight new and recent mothers who had experienced unwanted thoughts about harm coming to, or being caused to, their babies. Boyd found that these thoughts could be incredibly distressing, but were also something that mothers often struggled to talk about because of shame and fear of being judged.
Research suggests that unwanted thoughts of accidental harm are extremely common amongst new mothers. Boyd also highlights research showing that around half of mothers may experience unwanted thoughts about intentionally harming their baby – despite having no desire or intention to do so.
As Boyd explains, these thoughts can simply “pop into a mother’s mind unexpectedly”, sometimes accompanied by feelings of horror, guilt or disgust.
A thought isn’t the same as an intention
This is an important distinction.
An intrusive thought might be something you desperately don’t want to happen. In fact, the very reason it feels so frightening may be because it goes against everything you value.
You might think:
“What if I dropped my baby?”
and immediately feel:
“Oh my goodness – I would never want that to happen.”
The thought itself isn’t evidence that you want to act on it.
Boyd describes these experiences as ego-dystonic – meaning that the thoughts conflict with the person’s sense of themselves and can evoke fear, horror, anxiety or disgust. Her research and clinical work emphasise that unwanted infant-related harm thoughts, in themselves, do not indicate that a mother is a risk to her baby.
Of course, if you feel that you genuinely want to harm your baby, are making plans to do so, or feel unable to keep yourself or your baby safe, it is important to seek professional help and an appropriate risk assessment.
Why can these thoughts happen?
Becoming a mother can put you into a heightened state of vigilance.
Suddenly, there is this tiny person who depends on you completely. Your mind may become constantly alert to what could go wrong:
What if they fall?
What if they stop breathing?
What if I make a mistake?
Our minds are very good at imagining possible dangers. Sometimes, the more frightening the possibility, the more attention we give it.
As Boyd describes, intrusive thoughts can become particularly powerful when they trigger fear, guilt or shame. We can then start to believe that the thought itself must mean something important about who we are.
And this is where things can become really painful.
“What kind of mother thinks this?”
Perhaps the hardest part isn’t the thought itself, but what you believe the thought says about you.
“A good mother wouldn’t think this.”
“What if I’m dangerous?”
“What if this means I don’t love my baby?”
Boyd’s research found that mothers’ experiences were shaped by powerful cultural ideas about what a “good” mother should be. The expectation that mothers should be naturally loving, calm, selfless and completely in control can make the messy reality of motherhood feel like a personal failure.
But motherhood isn’t always calm.
You can love your baby deeply and still feel angry.
You can feel grateful and overwhelmed.
You can want to be close to your baby and desperately need some space.
And you can have a frightening thought without wanting it to become reality.
How can therapy help?
From a psychodynamic perspective, therapy isn’t simply about getting rid of difficult thoughts or feelings. It can offer a space to become curious about them.
What are you afraid the thought means about you?
Where did your idea of the “good mother” come from?
What happens when you allow yourself to acknowledge anger, resentment or the need for space?
What parts of yourself have become harder to hear since becoming a mother?
Sometimes, when we can talk about the things we feel we shouldn’t be thinking or feeling, they begin to feel less frightening.
You don’t have to hide the complicated parts of motherhood.
You can love your baby and still struggle. You can be a good mother and still have difficult thoughts and feelings. And you can be a whole person alongside being a mother.
If intrusive thoughts, anxiety, anger or the pressure to be a “perfect” mother are becoming difficult to manage, therapy can provide a safe and non-judgemental space to explore what you’re experiencing and understand yourself more deeply.
Further reading
Dr Caroline Boyd’s research and resources on infant-related harm thoughts are available on her website, including information specifically for mothers and professionals:
Dr Caroline Boyd — Infant-related intrusive harm thoughts
Her published qualitative research with Kenneth Gannon is available through the University of East London: “How do new/recent mothers experience unwanted harm thoughts related to their newborn?”